Life, lately, has been abundantly overwhelming. At times I feel like I am drowning in decisions and deadlines, while other times, I am able to pause and thank God for what he has allowed.
I just opened up my syllabi for my three remaining classes. I stared blankly as if words on the page were Greek. I need a minute to process and reflect. I did the math. Technically, I can make a C in all three classes, and my average would come out to a 3.87. Alas, C's are failing in classes beyond the undergraduate level. A certain fulfillment comes from those classes where in the beginning you have no idea what is happening and you work your tail off and pull out an A, or an A-. I need to re-visit in an hour with a clear frame of mind. I am thankful God provided me the opportunity to learn, the ability and security to pursue an education far beyond what I would have imagined ten years ago, the stability and determination to stick to it, the financial well-being to pay for it, and the possibilities that come from it.
Sam and I have been house hunting. Nothing seemed right until yesterday, so we put in an offer and now we wait. I keep telling myself that if this house is not our house then it will be okay. We have a roof over our heads. God, I am thankful for our home and the people in it.
We've been anxiously preparing for Mallory's sibling. Thoughts of the adjustment slowly creep into my mind. What if Mallory is jealous, or acts out, or has a complete personality change from the loving, lively, spirited, but obedient girl she is? What if something goes wrong during delivery? What if something happens the last 19 weeks of this pregnancy? Knots form in my stomach with worries for the future. How will I split my time equally so that each child knows they are adored, loved, and a precious gift. I am thankful for my worries, the ability to conceive children is a blessing.
I've been child-free for two days. The silence is deafening and I am not quite sure what to do with myself. I've cleaned. My house is spotless. I've cooked. I've caught up on reading. I've spent time with God through study. I've spent alone time with my husband. I've spent alone time with our dogs. I miss my child and am ready to see her tomorrow. Thank you God, for blessing me with a child to miss.
Hormones have played games with my emotions. I cry at least once a day. I also laugh, anger, and relax once a day. Thanks, God, for the emotions. They mean I am not a sociopath.
Because I am overwhelmed I have not been a good friend lately. It's hard for me to catch up like I used too. It's difficult for me to e-mail, or call, or text daily, sometimes even weekly to let them know that they still matter. This makes me feel like a failure, even though I am aware that my friend's lives do not revolve around me. Most of them understand as well, and know or understand that my silence means I have a lot going on and is not an indication of my feelings for the,. Thank you God, for good friends, far and near. I am blessed.
Mallory drew on our dining room walls this time in green crayon. I have not attempted to clean the walls. I am leaving it for a few days to admire and analyze her artistic ability. A sign of developmental milestones and accomplishment. I am oh so thankful for my healthy girl.
I've gained ten pounds and am currently the size I was when I was nine month's pregnant with Mallory. I continue to walk and lightly exercise, and watch what I eat, so as not to fall into the trap of I will just do what I want now and lose all my weight later. I am thankful for the ability to exercise, and the will power to do it, even though I hate it.
In a nutshell, I have many worries, but in each of those lies some sort of blessed gift. This has come all too apparent to me lately with my reading, bible studies, and insights. While it may seem as if I am an emotional basket case on the verge of a mental break-down, fret not, blog friends. I am simply a thirty year old pregnant mom of a toddler. I find peace in realizing the gifts.
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